In recent months, all eyes have been on mars what with the Perserverance rover (which, by the way, is totally superior to that chinese piece of shit) landing on mars and all that. But there is a darker side to this, too. The evil Chinese regime, led by inhumane dictator Xiao Jonpaeng, has turned its attention to applying its draconian policies the the free and democratic country of Mars.

The Times managed to contact an anonymous alien, who expressed his distaste for the Chinese invaders. “I was just sitting in his house,” says the little green man, “And then a big thing with tracks crushed it and zapped everything with a laser.”

While we are aware the Chinese Zhurong rover is very small, some suspect it may be capable of expanding or shrinking itself with technology. Stolen from America, of course. This fits in with the general trend of communists using black magic and strange technology like bringing back the dead and giant spoons and all that stuff.

John Doe, the leader of Radio Free Mars, an independent news source dedicated to exposing the Chinese regime’s influence in Mars, says he’s very concerned about what this means.

“We advise the people of Mars to fight back against those evil commies,” Doe says. “I mean, they want landback, and they’re literally stealing Martian soil.” Doe shakes his head.

“Commies are such hypocrites.”

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