BREAKING NEWS! This Saturday, the authoritarian dictator and baby-eater Kim Jong Un ordered himself executed, confirmed by an anonymous source. He isn’t technically Chinese, but since all ching chongs look the same, we’re just going to do an article on this anyways.

Ordering yourself executed is different from suicide. Suicide is when you shoot yourself. Ordering yourself executed is when you order a firing squad to shoot you. North Korea experts are still divided as to the intent of this odd action.

“I mean,” says our anonymous source, “Kim Jong Un did order his uncle, his brother, and his girlfriend executed, and some indicate he may have been involved in the tripping of Joe Biden last week. So it’s no surprise that he’d be his next target. But the scary thing is he’s got necro powers, so he can bring himself back to life.”

Another anonymous expert disagrees. “Kim Jong Un isn’t special to himself,” he says, “He’s just another person out there. So, if he’s executing people closely related to him in fear of them taking the throne, it’s obvious he’s going to execute himself sooner or later. The man’s afraid he’ll stage a coup and take his power from himself.”

For more info on Kim Jong Un’s self execution, read the transcript of our interview with the anonymous source here