I’ve had a crush on a girl for months now. I don’t know why. I just saw her out of no where and thought, “she’s really pretty.” Now I notice her more than anyone else!! Help!!
I don’t want any crushes because I have important things to focus on, but I can’t help but think about her. I find myself fantasizing about hanging out with her and had many dreams about her. And the fact that we made eye contact quite a lot and her appearing out of no where in school did not help at all!!! 😭😭😭
I’ve tried not thinking about her, avoid seeing her, pretending I hate her, pretending she hates me, and even MANIFESTING my feelings to go away. (Which worked for three days 😥) I even tried looking at her more to desensitize myself!! Wanna know what made my feelings come back? The freaking eye contact!! As a loner, any attractive person giving me eye contact makes my heart jump. Especially her!!! And it’s really hard because love songs make me think about her 😭😭
Yeah yeah I know I should talk to her… but it’s hard to bring myself to :(( There’s so many issues. I’m introverted, and I would break down trying to talk to her. Her friends are not someone I would hang around, they kind of give toxic vibes, and I noticed myself being attracted to toxic type of girls, and it happened many times before. Maybe it’s because I come from a toxic household? I don’t know :(
Anyways
TL;DR I have a hopeless crush on someone, don’t want the feelings because I have more important things to tend to, but these feelings are getting in the way of my thinking and I just think I don’t need those feelings!! Help please 😥
I know I can’t run from feelings, I wish I could 😔 One day I think I’m close to the exit, and then boom, the exit pulls further away from me :(
Stop trying to get rid of your feelings. You can’t. As someone who as always hated having a crush and who has tried every single method possible, trust me on this. Crushes aren’t rational so don’t try to rationalize it away.
First, acknowledge that a crush is just a fantasy. That doesn’t mean minimizing your own emotions, your feelings are still very real, but it’s important to be conscious of the fact that you don’t actually know this girl or anything about her. She just makes you feel some type of way. The best way to get over a crush is to get to know them as people. It breaks the illusion, and/or allows for a real connection to be made. If that’s absolutely not an option however, the only thing you can really do is give it time and stay distracted. Express and feel your feelings when they show up, but try not to wallow and obsess. Easier said than done, yes, but it can be done. Just takes a really long time for some people. It’s taken me years at times. Don’t let that discourage you though, it doesn’t hurt the same all the time. It does get better.
Thank you! This reply actually gave me a reality check. I would find myself drowning in these feelings but then again they’re just fantasies that I should just take and move on. Thank you comrade :))
Glad I could help! I knew my past as a trainwreck in love would eventually pay off somehow lol
One time my sister had to met me up with girl, because I was so scared to talk to her… I was afraid she will judge me because I’m ace, which many people did, turns out she was really sweet about it =) First try and talk to her, if it doesn’t work, find someone else.
Nothing until you try, If you are really really introverted like me and it just isn’t for you, then find hobby in something else rather than non-stop wanting to hang out with someone, like me, I literally like dinosaurs more than people(people hurt me many times in the past) and don’t bother what people think about me anymore from a long time ago, so find something and do your own thing if it doesn’t go well :=)
One time my sister had to met me up with girl, because I was so scared to talk to her… I was afraid she will judge me because I’m ace, which many people did, turns out she was really sweet about it =) First try and talk to her, if it doesn’t work, find someone else.
That’s great! I’m glad she was a sweet person :)) Are you two currently friends at the moment?
Also, I don’t know a great way to approach her. I can’t just walk up to her :( It’s kinda awkward doing that.
I literally like dinosaurs more than people
DINOSAURS :OOO
Have you seen that Kurzgesagt video? He established a theory on how dinosaurs might have actually looked back in those times, and how they may have acted! It was really interesting to watch!
Yes, we are still friends, she is always here for me when I need it and vice versa :)
Yes, but theropods are too turkey like in that video as far as I remember. Little ones should be turkey like.
You can’t run away from feelings, as it seems you’ve discovered. Try to sit with your feelings. Don’t fight them. Surrender.
Get a pillow, dim lights, and maybe some incense. Just get your room comfortable, clean, and make sure your schedule is free and that no one will disturb you. Get comfy have some water, maybe some snacks, a pen and paper.
Put some quiet music on, something without words, calming or no music. Whatever you prefer. Now, sit on your pillow and close your eyes and think about your current crush. Just feel that intensity, and sit with it until you are bored. Maybe you won’t get bored, but you will eventually settle down or get distracted. Once you have settled down and you’ve thought about your crush, write what you thought about and try to think what you want to do.
You got two options: you either continue feeling this crush and do the same thing(nothing) until you get over it, at some unknown point in the future. Or you do something about this crush. If you do something, you have two options: do something or do nothing. If you don’t want to or can’t do anything; forget it, it’s no use worrying about her or thinking about her. Avoid the sight of her. Give up. Or you can do something about the crush and go up to her and try to get to know her and see if you like her.
The question isn’t if you’re good enough for her. You are the one to decide if she’s good enough for you. Do you actually like her? There is only one way to find out.
Only the doing of something will help these emotions fade or change.
Find out if she is toxic. If she is, why are you attracted to that? If she’s not, that’s awesome!
I know you are a cool person because you’re a communist on lemmy. That’s pretty badass. So, even if you are an introvert and shy today, you’re a commie, and that’s dope! Don’t forget it!
Thank you for the compliment comrade! You are also a cool communist! 😎
You’re right about this. I may need to do some questioning. I can’t really think of what makes me like her. I have no choice but to get to know her, however I just don’t feel like it. I’m going down the “Give up route.” Therefore I’ll take your advice on mediation. It’s best for me to take in the feelings, let it pass by, and move on. I’ll eventually get over it like the other ones. I’m just surprised she’s the longest crush I’ve had. They usually last about a week to a month or two. Then again it’s only been six months, nothing to be surprised about.
Yeah, I get it. I’ve had my share of helpless crushes lol
I would probably drink booze until I feel better but I don’t know if thst is a good advice.
To each his own, cuz smoking weed feels way better for me
You get your heart broken by them.
the truth, but a painful one
Waiting it out didn’t work for me. Took me like 8 years and if they called me to hook up right now I’d still say yes lmao
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
beer?
Honestly, I’d try to talk to her. I know it’s hard but idk, I feel like its better to regret “tried talking to her and didnt work out” than “bruh I didnt even try”. The worse that could hapoen is that she wont want to talk to you, so its fine. If this happens the crush might even go away for good.
If you need, I can give you tips on how to talk to someone, they worked for me and I was very bad with talking to people
If you need, I can give you tips on how to talk to someone, they worked for me and I was very bad with talking to people
How do you approach her without making it seem awkward? I did see her sit by herself at lunch sometimes when her friends go away to somewhere else and come back later. But I can’t just walk up to her, sit beside her, and start talking. It’s kinda weird. Especially coming out of no where.
My usual method is going through people’s friends to get to that person, or befriending someone that could befriend that person for me, and we would suddenly “come together.” But that method doesn’t work out all the time. I definitely won’t fit in with her friends.
I think in the beggining it will be kinda akward no matter what. At least for you, but its okay to feel nervous, the important thing is to look lowkey confident.
You said you made eye contact with her sometimes, I think this is the beginning. Start interacting quickly with her, for example, when you cross with her in a corridor say hello to her with a hand wave or something, this way you will slowly “break the ice” between you. Also, sometimes you will greet her and she wont notice and you will feel embarassed but its fine, it happens, just dont let it get to you and try to be a nice person. Just live your life and when opportunities like these happen, go for it. This way, when you finally decide to approach her to talk it wont be coming out of nowhere.
Be nice to her friends too, even if you think you wont fit, its a good idea to also start interacting with them, you may even find out you guys do have some things in common and it will be easier to discover what kind of thing she likes etc. I like to keep in mind that relationships (romantic and friendship ones) are built. Their feeling towards you and your relationships are not something that exist by itself, they have their roots in material reality, therefore the idea of all this I’m saying is to slowly increase the amount of “positive interactions” between you and her group, so when you approach her, she will be more receptive.
With this part covered, now she (and her friends) have an idea of who you are and that you are friendly, so talking to her will not be out of nowhere. As for approaching her, is she from your classroom? If so, things are easier, you can ask her about somethibg school related just as an introduction and try to keep the conversation from there. Every time you talk things will get easier and easier. But if she is not from your classroom then you should seek something else. Try something regarding your surroundings that relate to both of you. For example, if you both take the same bus to school you could start the conversation asking about the if the bus has passed (it hasnt obviously, she is right there) and start talking about it, what she thinks of it, and from there there are an infinite amount of topics to go through, it will depend on what she says and how engaged in the conversation she is. (Please remember not to push it if she is refusing to talk or is disintereted and let it go, it happens). If she talks about taking the bus to go to the swimming class, you can shift the conversation to swimming class, because it is something she brought up and it will be way more interesting than bus.
Here are some tips on the talking itself: -If she engages in the conversation, the best way to keep it going and avoid that akward “dead end” is to make questions she need to “develop” to awnser. Like:
Do you like XiJinping?
Yes is the anwser. But that’s it. The conversation dies. Unless you follow up with:
What did you like the most about his speech at the event of 100 years of the CPC?
Her awnser will not be a simple word and will probably end with “I can’t wait for the fall of the american empire”.
I know your focus is to get involved romanticaly with her but this is useful for talking to anyone you want to be friends with. This is great because it means you can “practice” befriending and approaching other people before talking to her. Honestly talking to people in general has always been hard for me but these ideas helped a lot. It doesnt matter your gender or sexual orientation either.
EDIT: I read someone saying romanticism is inherently liberal and I agree, so Im calling the thing I described here the “Dialetical romantic materialism”. We shall win the hearts of everyone on earth with our material analysis of love comrades.
Thank you! This advice soothed my fear a bit. I never knew I could do something like this to make it less weird approaching others. I will save this comment for the future! Thank you comrade :))
ur welcome :)
Identify the things you like about her and find other ways to get them, keeping in mind that effort may require some gender nonconformity. Power and should always come with responsibility but she won’t feel any responsibility to give you a chance because of any power you give her over yourself by allowing yourself to dream about being with her so don’t give her that power. Your lizard brain just wants in her pants. Love songs are romanticist propaganda and romanticism is inherently liberal IMO. Don’t let your hormones lead you to conflate things like lust and caring or desire for shared identity.
Practice talking to more people. Not being able to talk to people you’re attracted to is not a good deficit to have. Next time you’re crushing on someone you should have the option of talking to them. Resolving to take action on this will help you assign utility to these feelings internally and acting on them in some way is probably something your brain will require of you anyways.
Avoid intoxicants until you have converted your feelings into effective action. Keep in mind that you are not your intrusive thoughts but the choices you make. Learn to meditate
Identify the things you like about her and find other ways to get them, keeping in mind that effort may require some gender nonconformity.
I wish I knew what I liked about her. All I have for her is physical attraction. I have a weak spot for smiles and eyes. That’s why I say it’s a hopeless and meaningless crush :((
Your lizard brain just wants in her pants.
I’m thinking it is just lust after all. In one of my posts I did mention having a “constant sexual thoughts” issue. I’m assuming that’s bothering with my mindset on love, having feelings for someone, and lust.
Speaking on the link between liberalism and romanticism, I think you’re right about that. I noticed a lot of American music have romanticism in it, and highly sexual content. I try to break away from that, but somehow the good songs of my type are full of that stuff! I managed to make a playlist without that stuff, only having a 100 songs. Usually my playlists range from 200 - 1000 songs!
Practice talking to more people. Not being able to talk to people you’re attracted to is not a good deficit to have. Next time you’re crushing on someone you should have the option of talking to them. Resolving to take action on this will help you assign utility to these feelings internally and acting on them in some way is probably something your brain will require of you anyways.
Talking to people is absolutely easy. Talking to people I’m attracted to? So-so. Depends on the situation. I can approach a person I’m interested in if it’s easy, like if they’re sitting beside me, or if I’m waiting in line behind or in front of them. It’s easier to approach someone I’m interested in if I don’t know them at all, and I don’t go to school with them.
But if I have to walk up to a girl I’ll most likely see everyday and strike up a conversation? Then yeah it kinda freaks me out. I just think I’d be weird doing that, idk why. I think it’s fear. Because I’m worried it’ll be awkward, and then I’ll have to see her and be reminded of it.
What are your thoughts on this?
