Hi comrades! This is my first time on Lemmygrad, so I apologise for the abrupt introduction. I saw there’s an introduction community, although it seems abandoned. I’ll consider making a post later today perhaps in this community, if you have better ideas for where it should fit, please let me know!
How do you deal personally with expressing affection towards family, lovers etc.? Capitalism has definitely commodified affection/love/relationships in every aspect (e.g. Valentine’s day), so it’s hard to not fall in for “consumerist love”. Obviously, a type of affection and compassion I’d argue are integral for the wellbeing of any society, although invidiualism as we know hardly promotes this.
The culture also creates expectations of how affection and any type of relationship should be “performed”. Corporations such as Disney which have a near monopoly on all expressions of late-capitalist culture often set stereotypes through the media they present to us, a good example being the Aladdin animated movie which is very racist, or Tarzan which was not popular until Disney animated it and made a friendlier version of its story. Thus this gives birth to lots of unrealistic expectations and pressures, because we feel we have to “perform” to our friends, family and lovers like we’re on a stage. This ties in and is reflected in the usage of social media, we can see unrealistic body expectations, although mostly in the cishet space as far as I know, please correct me if I’m wrong. I think it’s a combination of factors, first off the culture sets everyone up regarding expectations then they’re exacerbated on mainstream social media such as Instagram.
Now regarding a more personal aspect, I find that I have a hard time showing affection, even to family. Some people naturally express their emotions well, while I find myself not even going for hugs, and so on. I mostly internally justify it as “oh the other person would think it’s awkward,” perhaps it’s a lack of communication on my side. More often than not, this resulted in people thinking that I’m uninterested in them (as in friendship or a relationship), or even in an extreme case someone thought I hated them which was definitely not the case. I’m more of an introvert, although when I get to know the person better I become rather extroverted with them, so I think I’m ambiverted. I want to learn to express my emotions better through creating mostly, although I have yet to find a good creative process to suit me other than writing, which I enjoy. I think social anxiety plays a role in this, also the fact that I overthink most social encounters and exaggerate to myself how the other person understands my actions.
I’d love to hear your experiences and opinions regarding the subject!
Welcome comrade! 🙏 I hope you find this space as enjoyable as I do!
I have a lot of thoughts about what you wrote and I apologize for the brevity of my response - I work in 15 minutes lol. I know what it’s like to constantly perform. It feels like social interaction is a minefield or a strategic battle to be won sometimes.
Trying as it were has been… interesting, when the words that come out of my mouth I know are indicative of a kind, caring man, but the primary thought I feel bouncing around my head at most times is nothing but a prolonged, unhinged scream engulfed in a cascade of thoughts and subconscious voices that I can hardly begin to understand. But I’m trying.
And trying makes me feel manipulative. Aren’t all relationships inherently… transactional to some extent? There are things I want. There are things the Other wants. Friendship, romance, time together, benign things even. But are we not always manipulating each other to some extent to achieve these things? I present myself a certain way because I believe it’s ethical and I find solace in being kind - but we all are still presenting ourselves, facades that can’t possibly be completely penetrated by another. Parts of ourselves we do not want others to see or know.
It’s hard, comrade. I’m with ya.
Thank you!
No need to apologize. Yeah, sometimes it’s bothersome.
I suppose the transactional factor is there to a degree. I think we must cooperate and talk in the first place to agree with our wants and needs from each other in order to have a functional relationship of any kind. I always used “manipulating” with a negative connotation, to usually mean making someone do something to your own advantage that usually is detrimental to their wellbeing. In order to function in larger societal structures we do coerce each other into doing certain behaviors, although I wouldn’t say it all boils down to “we manipulate each other for X interest” as this would rule out actual meaningful connections.
Regarding your second point, yes we all have our different “faces” we present in different social situations, though I think we present a facade that’s closer to our core values and less a facade the more we gain trust in that person.
We all try in a way to feel accepted in the outside world, greater community, or what you want to call it.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it! If you ever want to talk to someone you’re always welcome to send me a message.
Wonderful response comrade, I will keep your ideas in mind on my own path to growth, thank you 😊
I have had “manipulative” stamped on my conscience by more than a couple of people (who were, in fact, abusing or using me in some way or another - though I was certainly not good to them, either). Every social situation now seems to require evaluation afterwards - was this thing I said that I felt so genuinely actually just a manipulative tactic to get this person to like me?
It can spiral hard from there, to the point where I start believing I am an innately bad person - disregarding the inherent truth that there exists no pure and evil, good guys and bad guys, I can convince myself that I’m the exception. :)
I’m convincing myself that I am usually acting on my genuine thoughts and feelings, not strategizing on ways to manipulate people. Slowly but surely anyway! Backatcha on the inbox, always open to you and any comrade who wants to talk.
Yeah I get this, some doubts can appear about our own actions. I go with the idea that you acted as best you could’ve in that specific case within those circumstances, most of the time at least. If you don’t consciously think every action regarding that person, I say it doesn’t count as manipulation, even if you were more mean with them. Seems to me just labeling because they didn’t get along with you anymore, although I don’t fully know your case.