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I’m currently having an extremely depressing day, for mostly unknown reasons. Usually, my friends and family tell me I’m the strongest and toughest person they know, a mountain by comparison. Yet, even I struggle with suicidal and depressive thoughts.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to hurt myself or anything. It just sucks.
I was recently diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder, after I suspected myself of having it for the better part of 8 years now.
I’ve been doing a metric shit-ton better for myself over the past several years than I ever have before, but regardless, it still sucks sometimes.
I’m not asking for all the stock advice or wisdom or fortune cookie proverb stuff, I’ve heard and read it all before.
Sometimes I paradoxically like to feel sad and miserable, because it reminds me I’m still alive and I have skin in the future of this hellworld.
Even though I’m 25, sometimes I feel like I’m still 17, and I’m always told I’m extremely wise beyond my years and “an old soul”.
Being male and partially non-binary, and being diagnosed with BPD, is still extremely weird to me.
Going and have gone through similar myself.
💯 Personally, I like to blow stuff in my personal life up because chaos feels more natural and safe to me than stability and reliability. I have ruined many relationships this way. I have always existed in mental chaos. I can’t be content with the good - I just get bored, I guess - of people, situations, places. For now, it’s got me homeless.
I’m glad you’re getting diagnoses and help. I’m medicated bipolar II after years of thinking I had borderline, which I still arguably might - comorbidity etc. I mean personality disorders are diagnosed usually via list of displayed behaviors, and I absolutely display all of em. The medication… allows me to exist. With regards to personal relationships, though? I’m still the same chaotic asshole I’ve always been, except now the asshole in me springs entirely from my subconscious and I have absolutely nil awareness of when I’m acting up. Great.
Talk therapy is paramount, and I’m sure you’ve already looked into dialectical behavioral therapy - I use what I’ve learned from researching it myself to utilize it in my own life… to an extent. It would be far more effective with a professional to guide me along. I hope you find yourself with others to help guide you, comrade.
What is dialectical behavioral therapy?
The primary point of DBT is basically to learn to control one’s emotions without stifling them, for instance bottling up suicidal thoughts rather than talking to people about them and analyzing the true reasons one is feeling suicidal, rather than allowing that suicidal ideation to consume oneself.
Depression hits. Hard. Suddenly you start hating yourself. What the fuck?
There’s a reason. There’s always a reason. To deduce those reasons, though, we have to practice mindful thinking - easier said than done. “I am depressed and hating myself. Am I feeling guilt? Have I slept enough? Is said undersleep facilitating fatigue, which in turn is facilitating the overall depression?”
Let’s say in this specific instance the core issue is indeed lack of sleep. One must learn to understand that those emotions stem from a source, they do not come from nowhere. Those emotions are also a natural response to this stimulus, and one should not feel guilt for feeling this way. One should allow that emotion to occur and pass as others do rather than attempting to shut it out, and this one in particular should get some damn sleep.
The point is to pinpoint stimuli and accept the emotional repercussions as natural and surmountable rather than all-consuming and inherently negative.
I hope this made some semblance of sense. There are more in-depth explanations online. Another tactic is emotional inversion - a specific instance I use this tactic with is the sun. I’m a vampire and I hate the heat. With the proper thought process, you can learn to love it - the sweat, the weight of the air if it’s really humid, the beauty of the sun’s mere existence and the fact that it is the true wellspring for life on Earth - suddenly the heat isn’t so uncomfortable, it is human, it is animal, it is plant, it is life.
I didn’t even realise this was the name of what I have been practicing in general for a couple of years now - with some degree of success. That’s good to know.
Funnily enough I also experience something similar with temperature. When it’s hot and I sweat, hell, even when it’s cold and I sweat, it triggers a full body sensation because of my skin condition.
It’s unpleasant to say the least.
I’ve been slowly forcing myself into the heat and learning to tolerate it all.
At least now I can tolerate being outside for more than 10 minutes at a time, which is a success I guess.
Emotional inversion! That sounds useful and I’ve done it before.
I’m doing well, but I’m going to find myself another therapist to make sure that I’m doing well.
I have ADHD, OCD, biplarority, and autism. What therapy should I seek out?
Interesting. Do you take medication?
I do. It generally helps, but it’s not a cure-all.
I take Sertraline as a morning pill, Trazodone for sleeping pills, and very rarely I used to take Hydroxyzine for anxiety. But Hydroxyzine doesn’t work for me anymore.
Trazodone, eh? Is that over the counter?
Its prescription
Oh.
I accept you for who you are and don’t need to cheer you up or fix you to accept you.
Thank you, comrade.