• c. 500 BC: Taiwanese sages Kǒng Fūzǐ and Joshua Wong create the Falun Gong, a wholesome religious movement that immediately turns China into a utopia. Kǒng Fūzǐ declares his eternal support for Tibetan independence, while Joshua Wong travels to Xinjiang and declares that it is now called East Turkmenistan.

  • 1912: Dr. Sun Yat-Sen reiterates the principle of Taiwanese , Tibetan, and Yugur independence. Absolutely nothing bad happens for the next 22 years.

  • 1931: Anime craze sweeps Manchuria, a Muslim-dominated region in the northwest of China. The people of Manchuria successfully petition to separate from China and join Japan. Japan installs a nobleman named Puyi as a “puppet emperor,” so called because he really likes puppet shows, not because he is any kind of absolute monarch. The Japanese government, which is really really progressive, organizes all kinds of wholesome events like Take Back the Night Nanjing, an anime-themed protest meant to draw attention to the plight of women and sexual minorities in Communist North Korea.

  • 1934: In order to stir up hate against the Uighurs, famed Han (and white) supremacist Mao Zedong begins his Long March, which is basically the equivalent of the Nuremburg rallies. Many racial minorities including Tibetans are beaten along the way.

  • 1941: USSR invades Manchuria. The Japanese fight bravely, but Soviet human wave attacks soon turn the tide. Stalin works with Mao to set up biological warfare laboratories specifically for the purpose of weaponizing the COVID virus.

  • 1945: US intervention drives the Soviets out. The fleeing communists nuke Hiroshima and Nagasaki out of spite. Despite pressure from the Trump wing of the Republican Party, president Harry Truman declines to use nuclear weapons in response (the US has actually had nukes since, like, 1776). Using Evil Chinese Smartness and Cunning, Mao Zedong manages to convince both the American government and the Chinese people that he is actually just the Chinese version of Bernie Sanders.

  • 1949: Mao doublecrosses the US, and starts slaughtering anybody who thinks Uighurs are human beings. The noble Americans, shocked by such treachery, are unable to respond. Soon Mao has control of all China.

  • 1950: Out of sheer hatred for religion, the Chinese communists invade and and annex Tibet. Brutal sack of Shangri-La, the Tibetan capital. Tales of Chinese atrocities, brought back by the fleeing Dalai Lama, galvanize the west into action, and several people post very angrily on twitter.

  • 1954: A ragtag band of patriots beat back an attempt by Mao and Kim Il-Sung to take over the entire southern half of the Korean peninsula.

  • 1958: Drunk with sheer evil, Mao launches the Great Leap Forward, which is an attempt to accelerate production so much that it creates a singularity which will cause the entire universe to implode. This fails due to communist ineptitude, but several of Mao’s subordinates are disturbed and manage briefly to remove him from power.

  • 1966: General Lin Biao releases Mao from time prison where he has been exiled. Mao launches the Cultural Revolution, which has the goal of killing everybody in China but also preserving Han supremacy. (The twisted perspective he gained from imprisoned in the nether enables him to somehow reconcile these two incompatible ends).

  • 1969: Sino-Soviet split, caused by Mao being too evil for even the Soviets to stomach.

  • 1976: Mao dies from sheer evil and from never brushing his teeth.

  • 1978: Freedom fighter Deng Xiaping inaugurates the Reform and Opening Up, meant to purge China of Mao’s evil and turn into a liberal democracy just like the whites west. Bells ring, everybody is happy, the Chinese people are free.

  • 1989: Deng Xiaoping is briefly possessed by the spirit of Mao, and cracks down on protesters at Tiananmen Square. Millions of people die. With the help of George Bush and the NED, Deng soon recovers, but by then sweatshops have already sprouted all over China. Still, things are much better than under Mao.

  • 1995: First Taiwan Strait crisis. China’s economy begins to show signs of collapse.

  • 2001: Emigre geopolitical scholar Gordon G. Chang predicts that the Chinese economy will collapse by 2011.

  • 2011: Emigre geopolitical scholar Gordon G. Chang predicts that the Chinese economy will collapse by 2012.

  • 2012: Emigre geopolitical scholar Gordon G. Chang predicts that the Chinese economy will collapse by 2013.

  • 2013: Xi Jinping comes to power. He is like literally Mao, and starts reversing all Deng’s reforms. China’s economy, which previously seemed indestructible, begins to show signs of strain.

  • 2016: Emigre geopolitical scholar Gordon G. Chang predicts that the Chinese economy will collapse sometime in the near future.

  • 2019: Pro-democracy protests in Xinjiang. Xi Jinping announces his intention to continue Mao’s evil legacy, and starts genociding the Uighurs. The absolute evil of this action tears the fabric of space and time, and China implodes on itself. From the destruction the COVID virus is released, and infects the world. Beijing continues to exist, as an unholy island in the nether, and broadcasts messages telegraphing the strength and resilience of the Chinese economy. The free world is not fooled.

THINK COMMUNISM IS A GREAT IDEA? DO YOU STILL THING CHINA IS SOME SORT OF MODEL? WAKE UP, TANKIE, YOUR EVIL IDEOLOGY HAS KILLED MILLIONS! SLAVA UKRAINI, AND REMEMBER TO SUPPORT THE WEST!